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1. When in the express lane, make sure that all items are
rung up and bagged before you start looking for your check-
book. Then, after you make a futile search for your pen,
borrow one from the clerk and make sure your checkbook is
balanced before giving up the check.
2. Never get into the 10-Items-or-Less line with less than
12 items. IT'S THE LAW!!!
3. When in the 10-Items-or-Less line and you have your 12
to 20 items, always ask the clerk if it's okay. That way,
if he says "yes," then the people behind you will get mad
at HIM, not you. If he says "no," then YOU can get mad at
him. Either way, you win!
4. Save all your pennies and dump them in the bottom of
your purse so that when you are in the express lane you
won't be embarrassed by spending all that time looking
for one and not finding any.
5. When asked if you want paper or plastic, take all the
time you need to make the right decision. Don't be rushed.
Get it right. If you're not sure just say, "BAG." That way
they will have to ask you again, giving you more time to
decide. You may want to practice this at home in case you
are ever asked this question at a grocery store.
6. Always, and I repeat, ALWAYS tell the checker your
reason for choosing paper or plastic. Checkers by nature
are very curious and if you should fail to give them your
reason for choosing paper over plastic, the clerk is liable
to lie awake at night wondering why you didn't choose
plastic.
7. Always keep this in mind: If something is heavy and you
don't want to lift it out of the basket and put it on the
belt. Don't fret whether the checker will automatically
know the price. After all, everyone knows how smart those
clerks are.
8. Since everyone knows how ignorant those clerks are, you
must always remember to tell them to not put the eggs and
bread in the bottom of the bag.
9. Feel free to ask your clerk anything you may want to
know. All checkers are experts on how to prepare whatever
meal you should decide to make that night. They can give
you precise directions to anywhere in the state you might
want to go. They can tell you the best restaurant around,
the kind of wine you will like best or anything else you
may need to know about life.
10. Don't forget rule NO. 8
11. After waiting in the checkout line for several minutes
and it's finally your turn at the counter, be sure to tell
the clerk that more help is needed. He will certainly
ensure that there is plenty of help next time.
12. When the clerk greets you and asks how you're doing,
don't feel pressured into answering him. After all the
clerk has to be polite-- but you don't have to.
13. When the store is not busy and there is only one check-
stand with a light on, be sure to ask the nearest clerk
which check stand is open. You don't want to take a chance
being tricked into the wrong one.
14. If the clerk asks you if you know the price of an
item and you don't, tell him it's "2-something" or
"3-something." The clerks love that because they don't
get to use their SOMETHING keys very often.
Send, comments, suggestions, trivia questions(!) to Lon Phillips
bravenet.com