• A basic law of technology that you only get smart results from smart tools when they're used by smart people.
  Alfred E. Wiggam
• A billion here, a billion there and pretty soon you're talking about real money.
  Everett Dirksen
• A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
• A cult is a religion with no political power.
  Tom Wolfe

• A cynic is not merely one who reads bitter lessons from the past, he is one who is prematurely disappointed in the future.
  Sidney J. Harris

• A fact is a simple statement that everyone believes. It is innocent, unless found guilty. A hypothesis is a novel suggestion that no one wants to believe. It is guilty, until found effective.
      Edward Teller

• A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
  Rodney Dangerfield

• "A jest often decides matters of importance more effectively and happily than seriousness."
   - Horace

• A joke's a very serious thing.
  Charles Churchill
• A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
  Lao-tzu

• "A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better
  lawyer."
   - Robert Frost

• A jury verdict has nothing to do with guilt or innocence, but with whether the prosecution presented a good case or a bad case.And the goodness or badness of the case has more to do with the prejudices of the jurors that the excellence of the case presentation
• A just government is one that supports a free economy
• A lawyer should never ask a question to which he does not already know the answer
• A magician pulls rabbits out of hats. An experimental psychologist pulls habits out of rats.
  Anonymous
• A musicologist is a man who can read music but can't hear it.
  Sir Thomas Beecham
• A painting in a museum hears more ridiculous opinions than anything else in the world.
  Edmond de Concourt

• "A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs.
  It's jolted by every pebble on the road."
   - Henry Ward Beecher

• A poet more than thirty years old is simply an overgrown child.
  H. L. Mencken
• A police state is a country run by criminals
• A quotation, like a pun, should come unsought, and then be welcomed only for some propriety of felicity justifying the intrusion.
  Robert Chapman
• A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many bad measures.
  Daniel Webster
• A truly great book should be read in youth, again in maturity and once more in old age, as a fine building should be seen by morning light, at noon and by moonlight.
  Robertson Davies
• Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.
  Doug Larson
• "Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does."
  - William James

• After that bolt of lightning hit last night, they'll never laugh at me again for wearing my aluminum hat to protect me from the alien rays. Of course, they may laugh at my new aluminum-alloy head.
  (Tooter Day)
• After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'
  Ronnie Shakes
• All of us learn to write in the second grade. Most of us go on to greater things. Bobby Knight
• All politics is local
• All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
  Sean O'Casey
• Almost all absurdity of conduct arises from the imitation of those whom we cannot resemble.
  Samuel Johnson
• Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
  P. J. O'Rourke
• Amateurs study patterns, professionals study logistics
• An author is a fool who, not content with boring those he lives with, insists on boring future generations.
  Charles de Montesquieu
• An essential aspect of creativity is not being afraid to fail
• An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field.
  Niels Bohr
• An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.
  Will Rogers
• An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger.
  Dan Rather
• An unjust law is no law
  St. Augustine
• And, how big of an army does the Pope have, anyway?
  Joseph Stalin
• Any man whose errors take ten years to correct is quite a man.
  J. Robert Oppenheimer
• Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.
  Kurt Vonnegut
• Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.
  Robert Benchley
• Anyone who can handle a needle convincingly can make us see a thread which is not there.
  E. H. Gombrich
• Anyone who's ever seen a battle, even for a day, would not willingly choose to see one again, even for an hour
• Anything not worth doing is worth not doing well. Think about it.
  Elias Schwartz
• Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
  Spike Milligan
• Argue the law if the facts are against you, argue the facts if the law is against you; and if they're BOTH against you, attack the people
• As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no ev-- hey! A penny!
  (Caleb Ronsen)
• At the age of eleven or thereabouts women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he is lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in the later seventies.
  P. G. Wodehouse

• Been there, done that, don't remember any of it
• Been there, done that, got the t-shirt
• Beer: Not just for breakfast anymore
• Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.
  John Wilmot
• "Books are the bees which carry the quickening pollen from one to another mind."
  - James Russell Lowell
• Both the cockroach and the bird would get along very well without us, although the cockroach would miss us most.
  Joseph Wood Krutch
• Boxing is just show business with blood.
  Frank Bruno

• Boyhood, like measles, is one of those complaints which a man should catch young and have done with, for when it comes in middle life it is apt to be serious.
      P. G. Wodehouse

• But in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.
  Benjamin Franklin,

• California is a fine place to live--if you happen to be an orange.
      Fred Allen

• Change is the only constant
• Channeling is just bad ventriloquism. You use another voice, but people can see your lips moving.
  Penn Jillette
• Cogito ergo sum, (cogitum)
  I think therefore I am, (I think)
• Confusion is always the most honest response.
  Marty Indik
• Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
  James Magary
• Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
  H. L. Mencken
• Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.
  Oscar Wilde
• Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.
  Mark Twain

• Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.
      Alfred E. Newman

• de mortuis nili bonum est
  (of the dead, say nothing but good)
• Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong.
  Dandemis
• Do they sell a sticker that shows Calvin urinating on a car that has a sticker of Calvin urinating on something in its back window? 'Cause I hate those stickers.
  (George MacMillan)
• Do what you like shall be the whole of the law
  (only in a perfect world!)
  (Fay ce que voudras)
• Don't try to solve serious matters in the middle of the night.
  Philip K. Dick
• Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't work.
  Gallagher

• Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.
      Alfred Hitchcock

• Earth is the cradle of civilization, but you can't live in the cradle forever
  Tsiolkovski
• Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence.
  Robert Frost
• "Education is the power to think clearly, the power to act well in the world's work, and the power to appreciate life." - Brigham Young
• Either I've been missing something or nothing has been going on.
  Karen Elizabeth Gordon
• Engage brain before putting mouth in gear

• Even he, to whom most things that most people would think were pretty smart were pretty dumb, thought it was pretty smart.
      Douglas Adams

• Even if you can hit a glass on the table four out of five times when you're clipping your toenails, women will never truly appreciate your skill.
  (Clynch Varnadore)
• "Every act of conscious learning requires the willingness to suffer an injury to oneís self-esteem. That is why young children, before they are aware of their own self-importance, learn so easily; and why older persons, especially if vain or important, cannot learn at all."
  - Thomas Szasz
• Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new.
  Henry David Thoreau
• Every time I lock my keys in the car, I'm thankful I had the uncommon foresight to keep a brick stashed under the hood.
  (Tidewater Joe)
• Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
  Unknown

• Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible.
  Stanislaw Lem

• Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions.
      Albert Einstein

• Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.
  Doug Larson
• Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me
• For both nursing homes and cemetaries, an educated consumer is the best customer. Remember, you'll spend an eternity in one and what seems like an eternity in the other
• For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
  H. L. Mencken

• "For the very first time the young are seeing history being made before
  it is censored by their elders."
   - Margaret Mead

• Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
  George Carlin

• Getting caught is the mother of invention.
  Robert Byrne
• God doesn't give you more than you can handle
  (WRONG! If that were so, there would be no suicides)
• Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.
  Barry LePatner
• Gravity; not just a good idea, it's the law!
• Great. I finally make it to the top of the wait list for outsider conjugal visits at the women's prison, and all this chick wants to do is differentiate tenses of verbs!
  (Brad Simanek)
• Gunfight at the I'm O.K., you're O.K. corral

• "Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly often attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults."
  - Thomas Szasz
• Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns

• Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities.
      Aldous Huxley

• Hawaii is the only place where they lay flowers on you while you're alive
• He talked with more claret than clarity.
  Susan Ertz

• He who hesitates is a damned fool.
      Mae West

• He who praises you for what you lack wishes to take from you what you have.
      Don Juan Manuel

• He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed.
      David Frost

• Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history.
      George Bernard Shaw

• Her own mother lived the latter years of her life in the horrible suspicion that electricity was dripping invisibly all over the house.
  James Thurber
• History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
  Napoleon Bonaparte
• Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
  W. C. Fields
• Household tasks are easier and quicker when they are done by somebody else.
  James Thorpe
• Human beings are perhaps never more frightening than when they are convinced beyond doubt that they are right.
  Laurens Van der Post

• Humankind cannot stand very much reality.
      T. S. Eliot

• Humor is everywhere, in that there's irony in just about anything a human does.
  Bill Nye
• Humor is just another defense against the universe.
  Mel Brooks

• I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.
  Margaret Thatcher
• I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.
  Edith Sitwell
• "I am the inferior of any man whose rights I trample underfoot."
  - Horace Greeley
• I believe that people would be alive today if there were a death penalty. Nancy Reagan
• I could prove God statistically.
  George Gallup
• I detest life-insurance agents; they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so.
  Stephen Leacock

• I don't have a bank account, because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
      Paula Poundstone

• I don't like to think of it as going to
  work every day, so much as going to a big
  building with free coffee where I can pee
  on the seat without fear of retribution.

  (Rob Bodine)

• I don't necessarily agree with everything I say.
  Marshall McLuhan

• I feel about airplanes the way I feel about diets. It seems to me they are wonderful things for other people to go on.
  Jean Kerr
• I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.
  John Cleese
• I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it.
  Samuel Goldwyn
• I had an epiphany a few years ago where I was out at a celebrity party and it suddenly dawned on me that I had yet to meet a celebrity who is as smart and interesting as any of my friends.
  Moby
• I hate it when I start snoring and drooling in homeroom -- especially when I'm not asleep.
  (Walter Means)
• I hate the outdoors. To me the outdoors is where the car is.
  Will Durst
• I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.
  Ralph Waldo Emerson
• I have often depended on the blindness of strangers.
  Adrienne E. Gusoff
• I just finished the first draft of my horror movie screenplay, "Satan Gets a Colonoscopy." Kind of a two-for-one deal, primal fear-wise.
  (Chris MacEachen)
• I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
  Bill Hoest
• I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
  Albert Einstein
• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
  Noel Coward
• I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
  August Strindberg
• I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years.
  Samuel Goldwyn
• I once said cynically of a politician, 'He'll doublecross that bridge when he comes to it.'
  Oscar Levant
• I realize there is still ratings competition among networks even during during a disaster, but I found ABC's beginning their coverage each day with Hank Williams, Jr. singing, "Are you ready for some FEMA!" a bit tacky. (Jerry L. Embry)
• I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.
  Wilson Mizner
• I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
  Robert Orben
• "I think I've discovered the secret of life --- you just hang around until you get used to it."
  - Charles Schulz

• I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
      George Carlin

• I think that one possible definition of our modern culture is that it is one in which nine-tenths of our intellectuals can't read any poetry.
  Randall Jarrell

• I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
      Rita Rudner

• I'll bet the first thing some pets
  do when they arrive at animal heaven
  is ask for their testicles back.

  (Fanny Bright)

• I'll bet the reason more people don't graduate from rodeo clown school is because they don't pass Being Funny While Getting Gored in the Ass 101.
  (Donald Junter)
• I'm as pure as the driven slush.
  Tallulah Bankhead
• I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
  Woody Allen
• I'm convinced there's a small room in the attic of the Foreign Office where future diplomats are taught to stammer.
  Peter Ustinov
• I'm sad about the devastation to New Orleans, but the good thing is that "Pontchartrain" sounds quite a bit like "Ponch and Jon" and hey, who doesn't like thinking about "CHiPs"?
  (Bob Van Voris)

• I'm seventeen and I'm crazy. My uncle says the two always go together. When people ask your age, he said, always say seventeen and insane.
      Ray Bradbury

• I'm tired of the Man always bringin' me down. Then again, it was my choice to subscribe to the Comforter-of-the-Month Club to begin with.
  (Brad Simanek)

• I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
      Totie Fields

• I've been trying for some time to develop a lifestyle that doesn't require my presence.
  Gary Trudeau
• I've decided to dedicate my body to a medical school, and just before I die, I'm going to swallow a little plastic toy. That way, the medical student who cuts me open will get a nice surprise. I just hope the other medical students aren't sad because they didn't get a toy with their cadaver, too.
  (Steve Young)
• If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?
  Laurence J. Peter
• If a man gives to another silver, gold or anything else to safeguard, whatsover he gives he shall show to witnesses and he shall arrange the contracts before he makes the deposits
  Code of Hammurabi
• If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts he shall end in certainties.
  Sir Francis Bacon
• If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.
  George Bernard Shaw
• If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.
  Bill Lyon
• If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself. Mickey Mantle
• If I were a cavewoman, I'd invent a wheel and have it run over my cave husband who can't pick up the mammoth bones he leaves everywhere, then I'd plead innocent and say I didn't know *what* I had invented.
  (Jennifer Taylor)
• If I were a 90-year-old widower, I would still take Viagra, but just enough so I wouldn't pee on my shoes.
  (Big Dog Dano)

• "If I were to wish for anything, I should not wish for wealth and
  power, but for the passionate sense of the potential, for the eye which,
  ever young and ardent, sees the possible. Pleasure disappoints,
  possibility never. And what wine is so sparkling, what so fragrant, what so intoxicating, as possibility!"
   - Soren Kierkegaard

• If it ain't broke, don't fix it

• If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
      Woody Allen

• If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
      Johnny Carson

• If Pat Robertson weren't so busy worrying about assassinating leaders in South America, he might have had time to speak with God about diverting this hurricane to some other place, away from humanity. Like God, though, I guess, Pat's a busy person and can't be everywhere at once.
  (Tidewater Joe)
• If the Lord can see his way clear to bless the Republican Party the way it's been carrying on, the rest of us ought to get in without even asking for it
  Will Rogers
• If there really is a pole at the North Pole, I bet there's some dead explorer guy with his tongue stuck to it.
  (Bob Van Voris)
• If there were in the world today any large number of people who desired their own happiness more than they desired the unhappiness of others, we could have paradise in a few years.
  Bertrand Russell

• "If they can get you asking the wrong questions, they don't have to
  worry
  about the answers."
    - Thomas Pynchon

• "If we were not all so interested in ourselves, life would be so
  uninteresting that none of us would be able to endure it."
   - Schopenhauer

• If you are going to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite about it
• If you can do it, it isn't bragging
• If you can keep your head, while those about you are losing theirs, maybe you don't understnd the situation.

• If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
      Alice Roosevelt Longworth

• If you don't want to hear the answer, you shouldn't ask the question
• If you haven't found something strange during the day, it hasn't been much of a day.
  John A. Wheeler
• If you love something, set it on fire. If it still comes back to you, then it really loves you, and deserves whatever it gets.
  (Arthur Levesque)
• If you see it, you can hit it, and if you can hit it, you can kill it
• If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
  Steven Wright
• If you want something done right, do it yourself
• If you want to destroy a nation, you do NOT get the benefit of its protections
• Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.
  Dan Quayle
• Illegitimati non carborundum.
  (Don't let the bastards grind you down)
• In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would have taken many men many months to equal it.
      Unknown
• In an ideal world, food would have no calories so I could eat as much as I want without getting fat. Of course, if food had no calories, I'd die of starvation. Hey! I guess my weight loss problem would be solved either way!
  (Phil Garding)
• In an uncertain world, precious metals retain their value
• In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known.
  Thomas Pickering
• In case you're worried about what's going to become of the younger generation, it's going to grow up and start worrying about the younger generation.
  Roger Allen
• In insulation from consequence, there is safety and security
• In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
  Rita Rudner
• In martial arts, one must never draw a sword unless one plans to use it

• In mathematics you don't understand things. You just get used to them.
      Johann von Neumann

• In my opinion, my dad spent too much time at
  work. I remember all those family meetings
  where we were each asked to stand up and
  tell everyone a little bit about ourselves.

  (Fanny Bright)

• In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
  Ambrose Bierce
• In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; In practice, there is.
  Chuck Reid
• Internists know everything but do nothing; surgeons know nothing but do everything and pathologists know everything, but a day too late
• It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations.
  Sir Winston Churchill
• It is always easier to believe than to deny. Our minds are naturally affirmative.
  John Burroughs
• It is better to ask forgiveness than seek permission
• It is better to be judged by twelve than to be carried by six
• It is better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it
• It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends on his not understanding it.
• It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.
  Voltaire
• It is fun to be in the same decade with you.
  Franklin D. Roosevelt
• It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.
  Krishnamurti
• It is nobler to declare oneself wrong than to insist on being right - especially when one is right.
  Friedrich Nietzsche
• "It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that they are difficult."
  - Seneca
• It is not right to pass responsibility to someone else just because it hurts
• It is not the strongest of the species that survive nor the most intelligent, but those most adaptive to change
• "It is our attitude at the beginning of a difficult task which more than anything else will affect its successful outcome."
  - William James
• It is possible to store the mind with a million facts and still be entirely uneducated.
  Alec Bourne
• It is said that power corrupts, but actually it's more true that power attracts the corruptible. The sane are usually attracted by other things than power.
  David Brin
• It is the nature of all greatness not to be exact.
  Edmund Burke
• It is the tragedy of the world that no one knows what he doesn't know-and the less a man knows, the more sure he is that he knows everything
• It is undesirable to believe a proposition when there is no ground whatsoever for supposing it is true.
  Bertrand Russell

• It may be that the old astrologers had the truth exactly reversed, when they believed that the stars controlled the destinies of men. The time may come when men control the destinies of stars.
      Arthur C. Clarke

• It would be nice if the Grim Reaper gave 24 hours notice before taking us, allowing enough time to say goodbye and arrange our affairs so we could depart this world in a dignified manner. I'd then be able to rest in peace knowing that my obituary would read, "Local man found barricaded in basement, suffocated inside world's largest recorded bean burrito."
  (Brad Simanek)
• It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours. Harry S Truman,
• It's not the destination but the journey that's important
• It's not the kill but the thrill of the chase
  Deep Purple
• [It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system.
  Dan Quayle
• It's what you learn after you know it all that counts

• Judge the cost of things by how much life you have to give up to obtain it
• Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean you don't have enemies

• Keep It Simple Stupid!

• Lack of money is no obstacle. Lack of an idea is an obstacle.
  Ken Hakuta
• Laissez les bons temps rouler
  Let the good times roll
• Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.
  Cullen Hightower
• Laughter is the best medicine. No, wait a minute, I meant "slaughter." *Slaughter* is the best medicine. Plus, it's pretty funny, so everybody wins!
  (Bob Van Voris)
• Law of Unintended Consequences
  No one is smart enough to anticipate all of the consequences of a decision.
• Laws are like cobwebs that catch small flies but let wasps and hornets break through

• Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.
      Judith Martin

• Lies, damn lies and statistics
• Life is a comedy to those who think and a tragedy to those who feel
• Life is like playing a violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.
  Samuel Butler
• Life is strange. As I sit here, day after day, I often wonder how a promising young mud-wrestler wound up making change in a toll booth.
  (Fanny Bright)
• Life is wasted on the living.
• Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans
  John Lennon
• Like all self-made men, he worships his creator
• Live fast, die young, leave a good-looking corpse
• Loose lips sink ships
• Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
  Matt Groening
• Love is blind; marriage is a real eye-opener!

• Making someone smile lightens your karmic burden
• Man is closest to God when reaching out his hand to help and furthest from God when he raises his hand to strike
  Hopi saying
• Man is so made that he can only find relaxation from one kind of labor by taking up another.
  Anatole France
• "Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions." -
  Oliver Wendell Holmes

• Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.
      Mark Twain

• Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
  Mae West
• May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live
• Men, it has been well said, think in herds; it will be seen that they go mad in herds, while they only recover their senses slowly, and one by one.
  Charles Mackay
• Men marry women hoping they won't change and women marry men hoping they will.
  Problem: Men usually don't change and women usually do
• Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction.
  Blaise Pascal
• Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
  Ogden Nash

• Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
      Susan Ertz

• Money is like a reputation for ability, more easily made than kept
• Money is the root of all evil (and all civilization)
• Most battle plans don't survive the first contact with the enemy

• "Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things
  for granted."
   - Aldous Huxley

• Most men are within a finger's breadth of being mad.
  Diogenes the Cynic
• Most men pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it.
  Soren Kierkegaard
• Most modern calendars mar the sweet simplicity of our lives by reminding us that each day that passes is the anniversary of some perfectly uninteresting event.
  Oscar Wilde
• "Motivation will almost always beat mere talent."
  - Norman R. Augustine
• My definition of an expert in any field is a person who knows enough about what's really going on to be scared.
  P. J. Plauger
• My favorite animal is steak.
  Fran Lebowitz
• My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
  Ellen DeGeneres
• My luge runs might not be the fastest ones at the Olympic time trials, but I do this thing where I'm dressed like Jerry Lewis in The Bellboy, see, and I'm carrying this huge pile of luggage like I can't see that I'm about to step onto a luge run and then I trip and fall and holler like a maniac all the way to the finish gate. Judges *notice* that sort of thing.
  (Andy Ihnatko)

• My wife and I fight a lot because she
  says I masturbate too much. I always let
  her win, though, so I can go masturbate.

  (Nick Smith)

• Never have children, only grandchildren.
  Gore Vidal
• "Never injure a friend, even in jest."
  - Marcus Tullius Cicero
• "Never let yesterday use up too much of today."
  - Will Rogers
• Never separate the lives you live from the words you speak

• Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then--we elected them.
      Lily Tomlin

• No good deed goes unpunished
• No matter how hard you run, you can never get away from yourself
• No matter what they take from me, they can't take away my dignity. Woohoo! In your face, dignity-takers! I'm going on "Jerry Springer!"
  (Bob Van Voris)
• No one goes there any more, it's too crowded
  Yogi Berra
• No one knows a man as well as a woman who slept with him
• No pain, no gain.
  OR
  No pleasure, no point.
• Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein.
  Joe Theismann
• Not only is the universe stranger than we imagine, it is stranger than we can imagine.
  Sir Arthur Eddington

• Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
  A. H. Weiler

• Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.
      James M. Barrie

• Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
  Christopher Lasch
• Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.
  Douglas Adams

• Now that I'm older, if I had to choose what
  superhero I'd want to be, it would probably
  be Sleep All Night Man. Or maybe Huge Bladder
  Man, which would probably be just like
  Sleep All Night Man except with a drier cape.

  (Michael Cunningham)

• Obstacles are those frightful things we see when we take our eyes off our goal
• Occam's Razor-
  The simplest theory is usually the best
• Oderint dum metuant
  Let them hate so long as they fear
• Of all the manifestations of power, the one that most impresses men is restraint

• Of course, nobody knows exactly how our
  prehistoric ancestors insulted each other,
  but I'll bet we can be pretty sure the
  phrase "... and the iguanodon you rode
  in on" would get your skull clubbed in.

  (Travis Ruetenik)

• On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog.
  Peter Steiner
• Once a man wants to hold public office, he is absolutely no longer good for honest work
  Mark Twain
• Once is accidental
  Twice is stupidity
  Three times is on purpose
• Once you have ruled out the impossible, what remains, no matter how improbable it seems, must be the truth
• One of life's most sublime experiences is to be shot at and missed
  Winston Churchill
• One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.
  Rita Mae Brown
• One truth that there is no God. The Republicans keep using his name to justify the most heinous acts
• "Only choose in marriage a woman whom you would choose as a friend if she were a man."
  - Joseph Joubert

• Only the dead have seen the end of war
  Plato

• Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
      Laurence J. Peter

• "Our dangers, as it seems to me, are not from the outrageous but from the conforming; not from those who rarely and under the lurid glare of obloquy upset our moral complaisance, or shock us with unaccustomed conduct, but from those, the mass of us, who take their virtues and their tastes, like their shirts and their furniture, from the limited patterns which the market offers."
  - Learned Hand
• Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men.
  Martin Luther King Jr.

• Part of being sane, is being a little bit crazy.
  Janet Long
• Parenting is the hardest job you'll ever love
• People who bite the hand that feeds them usually lick the boot that kicks them
  Eric Hoffer

• People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.
      Ogden Nash

• Perform random acts of kindness and senseless beauty
• Perverse metrics linked to perverse incentives always yield perverse results
• Plan for the future but live in the present
• Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.
  Ronald Reagan
• Posterity is as likely to be wrong as anyone else.
  Heywood Broun
• Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely
• Preemptive Impeachment
• Progress might have been all right once, but it has gone on too long.
  Ogden Nash
• "Property may be destroyed and money may lose its purchasing power; but, character, health, knowledge and good judgement will always be in demand under all conditions."
  - Roger Babson
• Pros bet on probabilities and amateurs bet on possibilities
• Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings.
  Laurence J. Peter
• Punctuality is the virtue of the bored.
  Evelyn Waugh

• Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
  Who wil watch the watchers?

• Rather than give my children names, each morning I assign them different numbers that represent how much I love them relative to their brothers and sisters that day. Kids love number games.
  (Nick Ehart)
• Read, every day, something no one else is reading. Think, every day, something no one else is thinking. Do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do. It is bad for the mind to be always part of unanimity.
  Christopher Morley
• Remorse is the ultimate in self-abuse
• Repubicans have raised hypocricy to an art form
• Res ipsa loqitur
  Let the thing speak for itself

• "Respect yourself and others will respect you."
   - Confucius

• Revenge is a dish best served cold
• Risk versus return is at the heart of every decision
• Routine is the biggest enemy of surveillance

• Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength.
      Eric Hoffer

• Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.
  John Russell
• Saying what we think gives us a wider conversational range than saying what we know.
  Cullen Hightower
• "Secrecy, being an instrument of conspiracy, ought never to be the system of a regular government."
  - Jeremy Bentham
• Sign above the entrance to Hell (Hades)
  Abandon hope all ye who enter here
• Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute.
  Josh Billings
• Silent gratitude isn't very much use to anyone.
  Gertrude Stein
• Sincerity is the key to good lawyering. When you've learned how to fake that, there's no limit to what you can accomplish
• Single not by choice but by popular demand
• Sometimes I wonder if God is really watching over us, or if I'm going to have to score that crack on my own.
  (Scotty G.)

• Sometimes, my body's minor imperfections really
  bother me. Other times, though, I really don't
  mind -- like when the "Buy two, get the third
  for free" deals appear at the nipple ring shop.

  (Mike Adams)

• Sometimes women send mixed signals. For example,
  if you read every 11th letter in the restraining
  order my girlfriend faxed me, it clearly spells
  i-l-o-v-e-y-o-u, and then mostly gibberish, but
  then p-u-s-b-a-g, which I presume is her new
  pet name for me. She SO wants me, the coy minx.

  (Bill Muse)

• Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
  Sam Levenson

• Special-interest publications should realize that if they are attracting enough advertising and readers to make a profit, the interest is not so special.
      Fran Lebowitz

• Stoop and you'll be stepped on; stand tall and you'll be shot at.
  Carlos A. Urbizo
• Stop=Optional=Stopional

• Success
  I choose to succeed
  I can succeed
  I will succeed
  I have succeeded
• Success has a thousand fathers while failure is an orphan
• Sure, four-leaf clovers are lucky. Then again, *all* organisms with freakish extra appendages are lucky.
  (Tommy Jack)

• Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
  Abraham Lincoln
• Television news is designed to give people the impression that they know what's going on, while simultaneously guaranteeing that they don't start thinking about anything important
• The ability to improvise is the defining quality of sentience
• The attendant wasn't amused when I heaved my guts out right there at his feet. Well, maybe he should have taken time to clarify exactly what he meant by "No alcohol allowed beyond this point."
  (Howard E. Simanek)
• The body will heal once the mind is convinced that healing is possible
• The case has, in some respects, been not entirely devoid of interest.
  Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

• "The compulsion to take ourselves seriously is in inverse proportion to our creative capacity. When the creative flow dries up, all we have left is our importance."
  - Eric Hoffer
• The covers of this book are too far apart.
  Ambrose Bierce
• The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. Every class is unfit to govern.
  Lord Acton
• The difference between interested and committed is this:
  When making ham and eggs, the chicken is interested but the pig is committed
• The downfall of any physician is belief in his own magic
• The enemy of my enemy is my friend
• The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams
• "The future you shall know when it has come; before then, forget it." -
  Aeschylus
• The glory of great men should always be measured by the means they have used to acquire it.
  Francois de La Rochefoucauld

• The human mind has an amazing capacity for rationalization
• The important thing is not to stop questioning.
      Albert Einstein
• The last time somebody said, 'I find I can write much better with a word processor.', I replied, 'They used to say the same thing about drugs.'
  Roy Blount Jr.
• The longest journey begins with a single step
  Chinese proverb

• "The main business is not to see what lies dimly at a distance, but to
  do what lies clearly at hand."
   - Thomas Carlyle

• The marraige ceremony is the visible symbol of commitment
• The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents.
  H. P. Lovecraft
• The moving finger writes; and having writ, moves on, nor all your piety nor wit shall lure it back to cancel half a line, nor all your tears wash out a word of it.
• The mystery of our time is the inability of decent people to get angry
• The new golden rule: He who has the gold makes the rules
• "The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from."
  Andrew S.Tanenbaum
• The only thing that's been a worse flop than the organization of non-violence has been the organization of violence.
  Joan Baez
• The only thing we have to fear is Bush himself
• The personality and the ego scream, while the soul whispers
• The petty economies of the rich are just as amazing as the silly extravagances of the poor.
  William Feather

• The point of living and of being an optimist, is to be foolish enough to believe the best is yet to come.
      Peter Ustinov

• The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
  Elizabeth Taylor
• The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you'll grow out of it.
  Doris Day
• The reason why so few good books are written is that so few people who can write know anything.
  Walter Bagehot

• The saying "Getting there is half the fun" became obsolete with the advent of commercial airlines.
      Henry J. Tillman

• The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch.
  Michael Friedman
• The sicker the man, the slicker the lie. the slicker the man, the sicker the lie
• The sole purpose of diplomacy is to prolong a crisis
  Commander Spock
• The story's the thing
• The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.
  Robert Benchley
• The thing I hate about an argument is that it always interrupts a discussion.
  G. K. Chesterton
• The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all of your time.
  Willem de Kooning

• The trouble with facts is that there are so many of them.
      Samuel McChord Crothers

• The truth is always a compound of two half- truths, and you never reach it, because there is always something more to say.
  Tom Stoppard
• The ugliest truth, in the end,is better than the prettiest lie
• The world is governed more by appearances than realities, so that it is fully as necessary to seem to know something as to know it.
  Daniel Webster

• The world only goes round by misunderstanding.
      Charles Baudelaire

• "The worst sin - perhaps the only sin - passion can commit, is to be joyless."
  - Dorothy L. Sayers
• "The worst-tempered people I've ever met were people who knew they were wrong."
  - Wilson Mizner
• The worst thing about Europe is that you can't go out in the middle of the night and get a Slurpee.
  Tellis Frank

• There are more pleasant things to do than beat up people.
      Muhammad Ali

• There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.
  Oscar Wilde
• There are people who think that everything one does with a serious face is sensible.
  Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
• There are plenty of good five-cent cigars in the country. The trouble is they cost a quarter. What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
  Franklin P. Adams
• There are two kinds of light--the glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures.
  James Thurber

• There are two types of people--those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am!' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'
      Frederick L Collins

• There are two ways to slide easily through life; to believe everything or to doubt everything. Both ways save us from thinking.
  Alfred Korzybski
• There are two tragedies in life: One is not to get your heart's desire; the other is to get it
• There comes a time in every man's life and I've had many of them.
  Casey Stengel
• There is danger from all men. The only maxim of a free government ought to be to trust no man living with power to endanger the public liberty.
  John Adams
• There is absolutely no inevitability as long as there is a willingness to contemplate what is happening.
  Marshall McLuhan
• There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval.
  George Santayana
• There is no limit to what a man can accomplish if he doesn't care who gets the credit
• There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
  James Thurber
• There is no trying; there is only doing and not doing.
• There's nothing to it,
  Just do it!
• There must be retribution for evil or evil will reign
• There will always be something new to be discovered
• They say that Hunter S. Thompson was the father of gonzo journalism, but I don't believe it. I mean, the guy looked *nothing* like a Muppet.
  (Kim Moser)
• This is the way I think the world will end-with general giggling by all tecwitty heads, who think it is a joke.
  Kierkegaard
• This is the way the world ends; not with a bang but a whimper
• Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.
  Jon Lithgow
• 'Tis an ill wind that blows no minds.
  Malaclypse the Younger

• Those who agree with us may not be right, but we admire their astuteness.
      Cullen Hightower

• Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
      George Santayana,

• Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.
  Wilson Mizner
• Thought is only a flash between two long nights, but this flash is everything.
  Henri Poincare
• Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
  Dave Barry

• To be amused by what you read--that is the great spring of happy quotations.
  C. E. Montague
• To be human is to be imperfect

• To be pleased with one's limits is a wretched state.
      Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

• To err is dysfunctional, to forgive co-dependent.
  Berton Averre
• "To live in the presence of great truths and eternal laws, to be led by permanent ideals - that is what keeps a man patient when the world ignores him, and calm and unspoiled when the world praises him."
  - Honore De Balzac
• To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.
  Wilson Mizner
• To prophesy is extremely difficult, especially about the future
• To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man
  Shakespeare

• Too many have dispensed with generosity in order to practice charity.
      Albert Camus

• Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves.
  Albert Einstein

• Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
      David Letterman

• Treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster.
  Quentin Crisp
• Truly great madness cannot be achieved without significant intelligence.
  Henrik Tikkanen
• Truth is the first casualty of law (and war)
• Two paradoxes are better than one; they may even suggest a solution.
  Edward Teller
• Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.
  Robert Frost

• Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite.
  John Kenneth Galbraith
• Underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character.
  Oscar Levant

• Veni, Vidi, Visa
  I came, I saw, I shopped!
• Violence is for desperate people, people who can't imagine other choices

• War is a series of catastrophes that results in a victory.
  Georges Clemenceau
• War is merely an extension of politics
• Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. John F. Kennedy
• Washington is the only place where sound travels faster than light.
  C. V. R. Thompson
• We always like those who admire us; we do not always like those whom we admire.
  Francois de La Rochefoucauld
• We are alone, absolutely alone on this chance planet: and, amid all the forms of life that surround us, not one, excepting the dog, has made an alliance with us.
      Maurice Maeterlinck

• We are the people our parents warned us about.
      Jimmy Buffett

• "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit."
  - Aristotle
• We can have facts without thinking but we cannot have thinking without facts.
  John Dewey
• We confess our little faults to persuade people that we have no large ones.
  Francois de La Rochefoucauld
• We don't know what we want, but we are ready to bite somebody to get it.
  Will Rogers
• We have really everything in common with America nowadays except, of course, language.
  Oscar Wilde
• We have the best politicians money can buy
• We need a president who's fluent in at least one language.
  Buck Henry

• "We need quiet time to examine our lives openly and honestly...
  spending quiet time alone gives your mind an opportunity to renew itself and create order."
   -  Susan Taylor

• "We pass the word around; we ponder how the case is put by different
  people, we read the poetry; we meditate over the literature; we play the
  music; we change our minds; we reach an understanding. Society evolves
  this way, not by shouting each other down, but by the unique capacity
  of unique, individual human beings to comprehend each other."
   - Lewis Thomas

• We'll show the world we are prosperous, even if we have to go broke to do it
• We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.
  Robert Wilensky

• What a blessing it would be if we could open and shut our ears as easily as we open and shut our eyes!
      Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

• What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
  Woody Allen
• What luck! Someone turned his back and I stole one of those $10,000 plates they had at the Republican fund-raiser!
  (Jerry L. Embry)
• What made science possible was not the rise not of reason but of technology
• What others think of us would be of little moment did it not, when known, so deeply tinge what we think of ourselves.
  Paul Valery
• What this country needs is more free speech worth listening to.
  Hansell B. Duckett
• What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?
  Doctor Who
• Whatever goes around comes around
• Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.
  Mahatma Gandhi

• When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: 'Whose?'
      Don Marquis

• When asked what he'd do if he won the election for mayor of New York, William Buckley said, 'Demand a recount!'
• When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
  Rodney Dangerfield
• When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
  Steven Wright
• When the going gets tough, the tough get going, to where te going is easier When you are up to your ass in alligators, sometimes you can forget that your primary purpose is to drain the swamp

• When you encounter seemingly good advice that contradicts other seemingly good advice, ignore them both.
      Al Franken

• ...when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
  Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

• When you hear the bullet, you know it missed you
• When you worry, you define your weakness, and when you dream, you define your goals
• Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own shortcomings, they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather engaging little things, not at all like the staring defects in other people's characters.
  Margaret Halsey
• Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.
  Mark Twain
• Whenever you hear the consensus of scientists agrees on something or other, reach for your wallet, because you're being had.
  Michael Crichton
• Who's the moron who designed Hanes and Fruit of the Loom underwear for women? You won't find an uglier or more ill-fitting panty without a prescription.
  (Michelle Argabrite)
• Whose bright idea was it to send Dick Cheney to the disaster area? Medics were so busy with him they hardly had time for the victims.
  (Bill Fluharty)
• Why do writers write? Because it isn't there.
  Thomas Berger

• Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
  Lily Tomlin
• With Epcot Center the Disney corporation has accomplished something I didn't think possible in today's world. They have created a land of make-believe that's worse than regular life.
  P. J. O'Rourke
• Would those of you in the cheaper seats clap your hands? And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
  John Lennon
• Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards.
  Robert Heinlein

• You can get a free meal at most seafood restaurants
  if you order lobster and, upon arrival of the meal,
  hysterically cry out, "This is the lobster that
  killed my parents!" This doesn't work as well
  with pizza though, so don't even bother.

  (George MacMillan)

• You can get straight A's and still flunk life
  Walker Percy
• You can't expect to get the right answer unless you ask the right question
• You can't find any true closeness in Hollywood, because everybody does the fake closeness so well.
  Carrie Fisher
• You can't hate someone whose story you know
• You don't have to like it, you just have to do it
• You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.
  Michael Pritchard
• You have got to dance with them what brung ya
• You have to decide whether or not the goal is worth the risks. If it is, stop worrying
• You learn from others mistakes if you're smart; from your own if you're lucky
• You learn more from failure than from success
• You live and learn. At any rate, you live.
  Douglas Adams
• You never know what is enough unless you know what is more than enough
• You never know what you need to know until you need to know it.
• You scratch my back; I scratch your back. That's the way the world works
  quid pro quo
• You're like a penny, impossible to change
• You've got to make your life, not just let it happen
• Your work is both original and excellent. Unfortunately, the parts that are original are not excellent and the parts that are excellent are not original
  Samuel Johnson

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